Mark Wahlberg
Marky Mark annoyed every single american by claiming that he would have not only taken control of all four 9/11 planes, landed them all safely, preventing the collapse of the Twin Towers, but that he also would cured cancer with this spare hand at the same time.
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep thanked England for allowing her to "trample all over history" with her Golden Globe-winning performance in The Iron Lady.
Kate Middleton
Happy Birthday to the Future Queen of England - 30yrs old today. Let them eat cake!
Stephen Hawking
Happy Birthday to the inventor of auto-tune Prof Hawking - 70yrs old today.
Beyonce
Beyonce finally popped her sprog and daddy got the bambini straight in the studio to add some vocals to his latest tune. Making Baby Carter the youngest person to get on the Billboard Chart. Well not for long. I will be collecting ultrasound sounds from pregnant women for the first in utero boy band, VBAC. In your face Jay Z.
Antony Worrall Thompson
Celebrity thief from the hit tv show Ready Steady Crook made a rare on screen appearance on the Tesco's CCTeleVision, shoving wine and cheese into his trousers. Fortunately while the rest of us would get a lifetime ban from Tesco and 100 hours community service Worral Thompson will be hosting the new BBC TV series - Ready Steady Crotch. In which chefs will have 20 minutes to produce a delicious meal from ingredients stashed in their pants.
Issac Asimov
Godfather of Robotics, Isaac Asimov born January 2, 1920. Died April 6, 1992.
Russel Brand
Great British lovable dandy Russel Brand announces divorce from talent-less under-dressed tart Katy Perry
Katy Perry
Pop princess Katy Perry announces divorce from British tramp Russel Brand
